Where do you even start to explain a life. My life is just not one thing after another but more like 20 things after 40 other things. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about all the changes I've made in my life, all the choices I've made in attempts to head in a positive direction. I can't decide how I feel about my choices. Sometimes I feel like they had to be done. It's for the better of everyone, except myself. I don't feel as though I have ever put myself before others although I know others don't see me that way. Just a little side note I think it sucks that just because you don't share every intention and every thought on why you are doing something when you are making a decision people will always judge you by the choices you make. It sucks. I've never been the kind of person who's felt the need to explain myself to others. I suppose that choice has caused me to be an unlikeable person. I don't know.
I just find myself sitting here always wondering how things would have been, if things would be better. I'll never know. I just know what's in my plate now. The meal I could have had and the food I could have tasted yesterday was in a different life. One I'm hoping was never meant for me either. I wonder when I'll be able to look back and know, just to know that the I have at least made good choices when it's important. Everyone makes bad choices, but I would hope that I didn't screw up the important ones. I don't think I can stay on this subject any longer, it's depressing.

I certainly hope that you don't hate me. I may have made some decisions in my life that you couldn't understand, but I can tell you when I made the decisions in my life the last person who's well being I had in mind was my own. I know that's not visible, I would try to do everything to keep that hidden. You will never know that my heart swayed a different direction while my mind was in the state of being wise. I don't know why it's different in this situation that I need to explain myself. I am just hoping that by letting this out that I can finally put it to rest in my mind. I can finally listen to music that won't bring the thoughts into the front of my mind. That I can sleep better at night and stop thinking about the 'could have beens' and 'maybes.'